I’m never getting on the wagon again!

Weird statement huh?

Let me clarify what is meant by that statement.  I’ve been on and off the diet wagon for years!  I’m tired of getting on it, just to fall or jump off later.  So, I’m not going to get back on.  I’m gonna let it pass me by and keep on going to its destination.

Why am I doing this?  Because I don’t necessarily want to go where it’s headed.  My journey is my own, and I will forge my own path!  I have to work this out for myself. Now, that doesn’t mean that I won’t need help along the way.  Encouragement, admonishment, etc.  The last time I was on this journey, I tried to lose weight too fast and it cost me.  I was happy with the loss, but my body basically gave me the middle finger.  My heart wasn’t happy with the sudden changes and it let me know.  It took a few months and 2 cardioversions to get over that hump.  Since then, I have let my self-pity and depression take over my willpower.

Let’s talk about what happens when you give up….YOU GAIN A LOT OF WEIGHT!! When I stopped eating right and exercising, I had lost about 50lbs.  In the year since I gained 75-80lbs.  Yeah…it sucked.  Of course, what do you expect to happen when all you do is eat and lay in bed.  It’s not rocket surgery or brain science people!!

Now let’s talk about the toll it took on my body.  Stupid high blood pressure (190/130 avg), constant pain, headaches all the time, stomach issues, eyesight issues…the list could go on.  What really made me realize the enormity of it (nothing like turning a blind eye to all the other things) was when I started having major issues with personal hygiene.  Yeah, when it is a chore to take a shower and to clean yourself you know there is a problem.  Yup…its embarrassing!!!  Downright humiliating, and that was just the thought of having to have help to do theses things.  I’m 42, I shouldn’t have to have help with my daily hygienic needs.

So here we are.  I have been eating healthy and walking for about a month now. I have lost about 35lbs and feeling much better.  Not going to push it too hard, but I am going to work. I don’t want a repeat of what happened last year. It was a pain in the rear and it cost me not only health wise, but also monetarily.

What does that mean?  eat healthy and exercise.  Cutting back on calories and putting in work to regain my health and strength. While I would love to do this in 9 months, I realize that it will be a long process. Yes, there will be ups and downs. I will fall, and I will get back up.  Remember, I’m forging my own trail, not walking down a smooth road.

So, see ya wagon!! Have a safe trip to your destination, I’m going my own way, I can use the exercise!

Wake up calls…they aren’t just for hotels.

Yes, wake up calls are nice when you are at a hotel, but not when they happen in real life. This call wasn’t me having a heart attack or anything, but it was a reminder of why I am needing to lose weight and get my health in order. It was also a reminder that I am not getting any younger. 😦

I was in a production this past weekend. Dracula Unearthed, it was a lot of fun! Singing, ballet, drama…good times all around. It has been a long time since I have been in a production this large. While it was a blast, it was also really tiring. Yep, getting A-Fib 3 weeks before the show didn’t help at all. Add that to the hours of rehearsals and you get a very tired Mathew. A lot of stair climbing, running up and down ramps, just movement in general. It made me realize how far I have to go.  I have made good progress, but still have a long road ahead.

PAIN…lets talk about the pain I experienced. Ankles, knees, and hips. They all hurt! Being on your feet for hours on end if you are a normal weight takes a toll. Now, what if you are carrying around an extra 200 pounds? Yeah….wasn’t fun.  I would wake up and hobble around the house for a few hours trying to get the kinks out. I am only 41, but felt like 81. Tylenol to the rescue!! This was the wake up call!! Top that off with being extremely weak and you have a wining combination folks!!

All I am saying is that it was a good reminder of how much work is needed to get to my goal. Have I slacked off in the past couple weeks?  Yup! This whole heart thing has kicked my tail. No energy, no appetite, semi depressed…it all plays a part.  Is that a good excuse? NOPE, NOT AT ALL!!! I just let it get to me. Have i gone crazy with my eating?  Nah, just not eating super healthy. I miss the gym…..I really do. Although, this past week was good exercise. 🙂 I wanna get in there and throw some iron around and get my sweat on!!

What to do now? Get back on that wagon and keep going!! Yup, it is a process that is filled with successes and failures. Accompaniments and setbacks.  I just happen to be going through a setback. It’s ok, I’ll make it through and keep going. If you are going through something like this also, go to your support system and let them help you through it. Maybe you need some encouraging words, a hug, prayer….or maybe you need a swift kick in the pants! Whatever, get what you need to help you through the struggle. I’m thankful for all my friends!

Remember, to stay strong and keep exercising that willpower!!!  Yes, I am talking to myself also. 🙂

Setbacks….they stink!!

Setbacks….we all have them. You are in the midst of completing a project for work or school and all of a sudden something unexpected happens and you are delayed. In my case, everything is going great. Losing weight, feeling better, blood sugar is better than it has been in years. Then you are swimming one afternoon and your heart decides that it doesn’t like you and goes into Atrial Fibrillation. This happened almost 2 weeks ago. I have had issues with a-fib before so I foolishly tried to talk myself into thinking that isn’t what it was. Went to the doc and yup, that is what it was.  So, what does that mean?  I can’t workout like I have been, I’m retaining more fluid than normal because my body isn’t getting rid of it like it should.

How am I handling it? Not well actually. I am extremely frustrated….no, scratch that.  I AM PISSED!!!! I am doing well, eating super clean, exercising, losing weight and BAM all of a sudden my body decides to give me the middle finger.  Now I’m stuck for the time being. It has an effect on me singing. Never mind that I have gigs coming up soon. No worries!

It is really hard for me not to just say screw it and just give up.  What is the point of me even trying if my body isn’t going to let me.  Now, am I going to give up? No, i’m not. Doesn’t mean that I don’t want to though. Have I blown my diet for the past few days? Yup! Having this “I don’t give a crap” attitude isn’t a good thing. Don’t worry, I have my chicken marinating at the house and I will cook it this afternoon and be good.

I was hoping it was something like low potassium or something of the like.  Nope! All my labs came back dang near perfect. So, we have no idea why my heart decided to do this. I have to wait for it to convert back on its own. Well…I have 2 more weeks left before they hit me with the paddles to try to get it back to normal. Let’s pray that it will convert on its own. Not only do I not want to go through all that mess, but I don’t have insurance, so its gonna cost me a crap ton of money that I don’t really have. Anyone wanna donate to the “Newman needs money” fund? Ha!! Seriously though, I honestly think that is what is stressing me out more than the actual heart issue.

What does it feel like to be in A-Fib? Well, first off all I want to do is sleep. You become super lethargic. You have issues with your breath. Not that you can’t breathe, you just get winded REALLY easily. Seriously, walking from one end of the house to the other will cause you to get winded.  Yeah, even for a fat dude, that is a bit extreme. On top of all that, you have to take blood thinners so you have a less chance of developing blood clots.  Yeah, there is blood pooling in a chamber of your heart that is basically sitting there. It can congeal, and when your heart kicks back to normal, it can throw clots all through your system. You guessed it…..it would be a bad day. So, more than the money aspect, I need it to fix itself so I can stay alive and not have a stroke.

Honestly, the whole situation is just crappy. It will eventually work itself out. Either my body will heal on its own, or hitting me with the paddles will do the job. I realize that this post has been a venting session for me. I need it, I will do my best to make my next blog more upbeat. I am just being honest and transparent about how I am feeling right now.

Ok everyone, have a great week!!  Stay strong with what you’re doing. If you do fall, get back up and keep on going. If you set back, keep on going. IT IS HARD!!! I know it is, just keep going forward. Yes, I am talking to myself also!! Talk to you all again next week. Join me in praying that everything will be back to normal.

Peace!!

Does it get tiring? YES!!!!

Does this new lifestyle change get wearisome?  YES…ABSOTIVLY, POSOLUTELY YES!!! I am tired of all the meal prep. I am tired of all the dishes (ok all you moms out there, you can quit laughing now!). I am tired of not being able to eat whatever I want. I am tired of constantly having to think about my time management in relation to when I have to eat.  Yes…I’m just tired……SOMETIMES I JUST WANT ALL THE FOOD IN MY MOUTH!!!

Now, do you know what else I am tired of? I AM TIRED OF BEING FAT!!! I am tired of being a slave to my body. I am tired of being held captive by all the medicine I have to take to stay alive. I am tired of my blood sugar and blood pressure staying high all the time. I am tired of getting winded when I walk anywhere. I am tired of sweating like a banshee when I breathe. I am tired of all the looks i get when I go anywhere. I am tired of having to worry about what kind of vehicle I can get because of fitment issues.  I am tired of being unable to sit in any booth at restaurants. I am tired of having to buy my clothes either online or at one store in Little Rock. I am just tired of living a life of unspent potential because this shell is holding me back.

Now, can you guess which “tired” I am the most tired of?  Yup, the second. Why am I  writing all this? What does it have to do with anything? BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED TO VENT!!

The whole process can get overwhelming, and sometimes you just need to talk it out. This is where having a great support system comes in handy. It is very easy to get so wrapped up in this process, that you just want to quit. Enter your friends and family, or whomever you have for a support system. We have to go to them and tell them what is going on. Let them help you. maybe all you need is someone to just talk to, or maybe you need a kick in the butt. Whatever, just lean on them.

I woke up Saturday with an “I don’t give a crap about anything” attitude. All I wanted to do was go to every buffet in town and just make a gluttonous fool of myself. Don’t worry, I didn’t. I ate clean and healthy….dang it!! 🙂 I have hit that wall that we all hit once we have been doing things different for a while. That place where things are slowing down a bit and you are getting tired of being “good”. We all have been there, it happens. The key is to not just push through it, but to KICK THAT FREAKING WALL IN THE FACE AND WALK RIGHT OVER IT!! Yeah, i’m still struggling with wanting a dozen tacos, with a side of cheeseburgers and a 3 pizza dessert. As I talked about in the previous blog, I am pretty sure that is never going to really go away. Just don’t give in to it!

Friday is the day I have designated for my cheat meal. My plan has been to just cheat for supper on Friday nights. That was all fine and dandy till I gave in and went to Tio’s for lunch.  Yeah, i slipped up. Like I said before, it’s gonna happen.  Ok, so what did I eat? I had fajita chicken nachos and chips and salsa. While I was disappointed that I slipped up, I was also happy about something. I didn’t eat myself stupid!! I only ate half of the salsa bottle they brought (normally it is 2 bottles of salsa and at least 2 baskets of chips).  I was able to stop eating when I was full. I realize how funny that sounds to most people. “Of course you quit eating when you were full, that is how you are supposed to do it.”. It’s true…..for most people. When you are an addict to food it isn’t that way.  Let me let you peek into the mind of a fat person for a second. My doctor once told me the three reasons we stop eating.

1. We run out of food
2. We stuff ourselves so much that we will puke if we take another bite
3. we don’t want to embarrass ourselves while in public.

Hit the nail on the head with that one!!! There is no off switch, so for me to realize that I am full and to quit eating is HUGE!! I could have cried right there. No kidding! Yeah, I should have not done it, but now I know I have the ability to do it.

I paid the price in water weight gain.  Between that and supper at Mellow Mushroom (yum!!), I put on 6 pounds. Now, that should come off fairly quick, but is it really worth it?  Nah, it isn’t. It is all a learning curve…..I took the curve too fast and paid the price.

Why am wiring all of this? Transparency!! Gotta keep it real with you all. I had a bad weekend, it happens. One of the reasons I write this blog is to show everyone that this is normal. It isn’t magic, and sometimes it really sucks!! To maybe help that one person out there who needs a word of encouragement, or for that person who is on the same journey and needs to see that they are not alone. Also, it is really cathartic!! It helps me to not go crazy. 🙂

Ok everyone, I’m out!! I have music to finish learning, and just not a great deal of time to do it!

As my boy Caleb always says…STAY STRONG!!!! 

Thanks for reading this tangled mess I call my thoughts.

May all your chicken be grilled and your vegetables be steamed!!

Cravings, Cheat Meals, and Fluid Retention….OH MY!!!

2 days from now will mark one month since I started my lifestyle change.  I have lost 31 pounds so far. Yes, I am very pleased with that! So pleased in fact that I treated myself to a cheat meal last Friday night.  What did I have you ask…..MEXICAN!!! CHEESE DIP AND NACHOS!!! It was glorious!!!  Ok….the cheese dip was glorious, the nachos were ok. My tastes have changed al lot in the last month. Don’t get me wrong, it was good, but not as fulfilling as it used to be. To be honest, I am both happy and sad about that.

Lets talk about cravings for a few minutes. We all have them. If you are or have been pregnant you know better than any of us. I obviously don’t know as well as you do. LOL!! What i do know is that it is a pesky little bugger!! Some days all I want is 235 cheeseburgers, then the next day I want to swim in a pool of cheese dip. Basically, my body is craving what I used to feed it all the time. In a way, I guess you could say I am still detoxing. Now, how do I get over all these cravings? I just live with them. There is no magic pill or potion I can take that will make me not crave these things. Until my body is completely used to this new way of eating and life, it will be a daily struggle. I am literally having to train my mind and body to accept that food is fuel…NOT A FRIEND!! Honestly, I think my craving are more about me missing food that actually wanting to eat it.

The reason I say this is because of my experience this past Friday. Went to Tio’s to chow on some delicious food and left somewhat disappointed….and happy at the same time. Weird I know, but hear me out. I told you I think my cravings are me more missing food than actually wanting to eat it. This is what I am basing that off of. What kind of sadness was I experiencing? Ok, did you ever have a friend in high school that you did everything with? You were together all the time? Then either you or they move away for some reason? Then when you all get back together you are expecting to sync back into the old friendship you had before, only to come to the realization that you both have changed and it isn’t the same. That is they type of sadness I was feeling Friday. I know….IT’S ONLY FOOD!!! You have to realize that for someone who sees food as a friend and companion, that is exactly what it is like. I was sad….I just lost a really good friend.

Now, I was also happy! Why? Because I am no longer seeing food as a friend and comfort. Yep…the same reason I was sad was the same reason I was happy. LOL!!  Wrap your head around that for a minute. My dependence on food as a comfort and friend is slowly going away.  THIS IS A GOOD THING!!! The less I depend on food as “someone” to turn to when I am sad or lonely, or bored, or breathing, etc….the more likely I am to keep going and keep this change in lifestyle.  I see this as a victory!!

Now let’s talk about cheat meals. I ate Tio’s for supper on Friday, then decided that I would to Golden Corral with my dad for breakfast. Boy was that a mistake!! I didn’t eat a lot of carbs, mainly stuck to eggs and meats. Now, the meats that I ate were LOADED with salt. How much? I gained 7 pounds just in water retention from two meals. Yup, you heard me, 7 POUNDS!!!! Now, yesterday I ate clean and drank a ton of water and lost 5 pounds. Yeah, it comes off that quick when you are peeing all the time. LOL!! So what did I learn? First, don’t eat more than one cheat meal a week! 2. When you do cheat, be careful what you are putting in your body. 3. DO NOT EAT MORE THAN ONE CHEAT MEAL A WEEK!!! 

I am interested to see how different everything else is going to taste. What is my cheat meal gonna be this weekend? Don’t know for sure. I might actually give it 2 weeks before I have another cheat meal. We will see. It depends on my weight loss this week. I am thinking pizza….you might see me cry if I don’t like that as much. Ha!!! I hope I don’t……such an odd thing to say!!

Ok, enough rambling for today! I hope that you all are staying strong! Remember to exercise that willpower!! I believe in you! As I said before, if you need someone to talk with, or to vent frustrations, holler at me. IT IS A TOUGH ROAD!! DO NOT GIVE UP!!! I said it before, and I’ll say it again. In this journey you will fall down, GET BACK UP AND KEEP MOVING!!! Learn from your failures and use them to improve yourself!! That is how we grow!!!

Now, get out there and move!!!

“I wish I had your willpower…”

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard this phrase over the past few weeks.  That and others like it. “I just can’t do it”, “I would love to do that, but I am too busy.”, “I just love to eat.”.  Blah, blah, blah….yeah I get it. You want to lose weight.

Here is a suggestion from Nike….JUST DO IT!!!  Time for some real talk. You do have the will power, you just don’t want to do it.  Plain and simple.  Harsh as it is, it is the truth. Yes, 10% of you may want to do it, but the other 90% of you enjoys life as it is. What is the purpose of tis blog? To talk about sacrifice. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO SACRIFICE SOME THINGS TO GET IT DONE!!! Believe me, I am preaching to the choir on this one. It is what I am living right now and let me tell you something. IT IS HARD!!! It sucks when, as my friend Lori put it, you’re eating clean but all you want to do is take a bath in cheese dip with a straw. It is a daily battle with your body!

You need to think of your willpower like any other muscle.  It needs to be exercised to get stronger. Sure, it is weak right now, you aren’t using it.  Trust me, the more it is used, the stronger it gets. The first week is a struggle. Your body is in detox and you want all the food in the country! You have quit drinking soft drinks and coffee every day. No more added salt to your diet. You have stopped eating carbs all the time. Your body doesn’t know what to do. Therefore, YOU FEEL LIKE CRAP!! It is gonna last for a few days.  Push through it! You are gonna have headaches, your body is gonna feel like you have a cold. (aches, lethargic, etc) and you might even run a mild fever. I am speaking from experience here mind you. Your diet completely changes. Grilled chicken, turkey, and fish become your normal protein. You are eating vegetables all the time. Your intake of water has increased to at least a gallon a day. You better be ready to pee ALL THE TIME!!!  I limited my coffee intake to 3 small cups a week. Trust me, it is like sweet nectar from heaven!!! No creamer or sugar, either black or 1 sweetener.

I am starting my fourth week, and my body is now used to it.  Do I still want all the cheeseburgers, tacos, and pizza? ABSOLUTELY!!! Remember when I said it’s mind of fatter?  That is exactly what it is. I have been to a mexican restaurant with some friends and had a few glasses of water whilst they partook of some yummy goodness.  Guess what? It really isn’t that hard to sit there while they eat.  I was shocked, I figured I would be dying. Nope! Sure, I had the desire to eat all the chips and salsa, but I exercised the muscle called willpower.

So I have talked about willpower, what else do we need? PEOPLE TO HOLD US ACCOUNTABLE!! I have talked about this before. If you can find someone to take this journey with you, even better. If not, DO IT ANYWAY! Find a weight loss support group, some friends to keep you on track, join weight watchers…DO SOMETHING! You need a good base of support. You are gonna need this for the days that you just want to give up and eat everything!! Sometimes you will need an ear to vent your frustrations, other times you will need that person to give you a kick in the pants! I am blessed with a great group of people to hold my feet to the fire. If I didn’t….I would find a support group or something of the like.

Cheating….it is gonna happen! (with food, not your spouse!!!) This is like falling down while walking. If we just lay there after we fall, we are not going to reach our destination. If we put this mantle of “you have to be perfect or you will never make your goal” over our lives, we are doomed for failure. We are human, we fail! The sooner you can accept this, the sooner you will realize that you can reach your goals. Now, that being said, we should strive to do the absolute best we can. Just know that you’re not perfect and that is ok. Know that I am not talking about cheat meals. I wanted to have 4 weeks of clean eating to get my body used to all the changes before I eat “unhealthy”. I feel like a cheat meal every week is a good idea. You give your cravings some satisfaction, while you aren’t completely destroying your progress. Now, I will post more about that once I have had a cheat meal and we’ll see how my body handles it.

Also, we need to accept the fact that there might be times where we don’t see weight loss.  Keep at it!! You might need to hire a personal trainer and get some advice on how to switch up your workouts or tweak your diet. YOU CAN DO IT, I PROMISE!!! You have the strength of will to get this done, whether you need to lose 30 or 230. You have this conquered, you just don’t realize it. You have to be the master of your body, not your body being the master of you!!

If you don’t have anyone to keep you accountable, I’m here! Doesn’t matter if we know each other, or you are just someone 1000 miles away reading this. I know the process stinks. You hurt physically and emotionally and you might need someone to just listen. I’m here for encouragement!  I want you all to succeed in your journey.

Now, go forth and exercise that muscle called willpower!! I believe you can do it!

Thanks for reading all these ramblings, I pray that they are an encouragement!

Where have you been Newman?

Aaaaannnnnnnd I’m back!!!

It has been 2 years since my last post. Where have I been you ask? Being fat and lazy, that’s where!! Eating way too much and being sedentary. Why? Because dieting and losing weight is difficult.  That is it…plain and simple. How is that for an excuse? Horrible, but honest and transparent. I am still all about being transparent.

Why now? Because I just turned 41 and I’m sick of being sick. Plain and simple. I”m tired of spending all of my money on food and medicine. I looked at my bank statement a while back and it was nothing but food and medicine. Seriously….I would say at least 90% of all charges were from some sort of eating establishment. It was disgusting!! I don’t make enough money for it to be going down the toilet!! Another reason? Performing!! If you know me, you know that is a big part of my life. Singing and performing and what not. I was hired recently for a few shows. Whether you are singing an oratorio, or an opera, it requires stamina and energy. Neither of which I had in abundance. So, it was time for a change. A COMPLETE change. Food, lifestyle, everything!!!

So, what now?  What am I doing? What has changed?  Good question….I have an answer.

Let’s start with where I was about 4 months ago.  I was up to 465ish.  I didn’t have a scale at home to weigh, so I had to go by the Drs scale from my last visit. Did I start eating different and exercising then?  No, I just didn’t eat as much and started to drink more water. Now, lets cut to a month and a half ago. At this point I had lost about 20 pounds and decided that I needed to get a personal trainer. So I worked with her for about a month.  I lost about 5 pounds.  Why so little?  BECAUSE I DIDN’T CHANGE MY EATING HABITS!!!!  She is awesome, but your trainer can only do so much…the rest is on your shoulders! So, 2 weeks ago I decided that I had enough!! Thus started the lifestyle change!! Eating super clean and healthy, and hitting the gym on a consistent basis.  So, in the last 15 days I have dropped 21 pounds!! Yup….when you treat your body right, it is ready to get rid of all the excess.

Now let me clarify…I AM NOT DIETING!!  That would mean that I am going to go back to eating crap at some point.  Nope, I am in the process of a total lifestyle change. I am eating clean! Grilled lean meats, steamed veggies, very few carbs, salads (healthy, not covered in cream based dressings), no more soft drinks, maybe 2-3 small cups of coffee per week, no sugar, very little sodium and TONS of water. Eating 6 times a day,  Hitting the gym 6 days a week (3 days a week weight work, 3 days cardio in the pool). That is it.  Nothing special, no fad diet, no pills or supplements, no surgery…just hard work.  A COMPLETE LIFESTYLE CHANGE!!

So other than the weight loss, have I seen any other results?  YES!!! My blood sugar has finally come down to a normal level.  It was running anywhere from the 200’s to the mid 300’s all the time. It is now in the high 90’s to low 100’s on a consistent basis. I have so much more energy!!! I don’t want to sleep my days away anymore.

Do I miss all the food I used to eat?  ABSOLUTELY!!!! I want a cheeseburger wrapped in a pizza, stuffed in a burrito that is covered in white cheese dip!!!  LOL!! Hello, my name is Matt and I have a food addiction!! I talked about that in a previous blog post. Mind over matter?  Nope! MIND OVER FATTER!!! Does that make sense? Maybe not, but it does to me.

Now, with all that being said, I am going to need support! Not financial (though if you wanted to send me money that wold be cool. LOL!!), no moral support.  There are going to be days and sometimes weeks where I am completely drained and wanting to just say screw it. There is something about people just giving you an encouraging word. It really does help.

Ok, I am done rambling for now. I will post again soon.

If you are reading this and need to lose weight, I encourage you to start. If you have fallen off the wagon, i encourage you to get back on! Yes, it is hard, and it takes work, your body will not be happy with you at first, but I promise that it will be worth it in the end. I have a long way to go, but that is ok. It isn’t going to happen overnight. I’m going to fall, but I will get back up and keep going.

Go forth and get healthy!!!

kkSo

Accountability…do we really need it? YES!!!!

   What is accountability?  it is defined: an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions.  (yes, this is straight from the dictionary) 

    This has been on my mind lately.  Why do we need accountability?  What is the purpose?  Are we afraid of it?  Why do we shy away from letting people in and letting them hold us to a standard.  This post might not be that long, but there are some things on my mind that I want to share.    

    Why do we need accountability?  If we have none, to what standard are we holding ourselves?  Can we do it by ourselves?  Can we hold ourselves accountable?  We can try, but how much easier is it when you have someone holding your feet to the fire?  It is really easy for me to lie to myself.  I have done it for 30+ years. Why do you think I’m in the shape I am?  Because for too many years I was the only one holding myself accountable for my actions.  I am talking about my health in this instance, but there are many others things in my life that I have suffered from because of no accountability!!  It is vital that we have someone in our lives that will hold us to a higher standard.  I am beyond blessed to have people in my life that are here for me.  I hope that you have someone that will do this for you, if not…find that person.  Quick!!!

    What is the purpose?  That is pretty self-explanatory.  Like I said before, to hold our feet to the fire.  To hold us up to the standard to which we strive.  Whether that standard be about things personal or spiritual.  WE NEED ACCOUNTABILITY!!  Mind you, I’m not talking about having someone in your life that makes you feel guilty 24/7. That is very harmful, and will do nothing but hurt you.  If you screw up, should you feel some guilt?  Of course, that is only natural, but you need someone that will walk with you through that guilt, encourage you to do better, and celebrate with you in your victories!!    

    Why are we afraid of accountability?  This one goes along with why we shy away from letting people in…..WE DON’T WANT TO ADMIT WE ARE WEAK AND FAIL OFTEN!!!  Well, that holds true for me….I imagine that it holds true for many of you.  I am….I am weak!  Horribly weak!!  In more than just matters of diet/weight loss/exercise.  Why am I afraid.  I don’t want to admit this weakness.  It SUCKS!!!  I’m supposed to be strong!  I’m a man….nothing is supposed to hurt me!! (grunts, beats chest, strikes a manly pose!!)  Guess what folks….I’m weak.  There…I admit it.  I hate it!  This is what holds most of us from letting others in.  Have I mentioned that I’m weak?  🙂  I didn’t want to let anyone in for a long time because I was afraid of what they would think of me.  Would they see less of me?  What kind of judgement would they be passing down on me?  Would I be unworthy to be their friend?  ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  Guess what peeps, your friends also have issues with which they struggle.  Now, it might not be the same issues, but they struggle with their own weaknesses.  They need someone to hold them accountable also!!  You will also find that when you open up about your issues, and have someone to help you……you will find strength in that partnership.  This is something that you will not regret!!  

    Who holds me accountable?  I have some dear friends, new and old, that hold me to that higher standard.  You know who you are, and I will never be able to thank you enough for what you mean to me, how you have helped me, and will continue to do so.  Well, I have also laid bare my issues with food/diet/exercise on here.  So…..you all hold me accountable.  You are my partners in this journey.  That isn’t a crazy thought!!  🙂  That is why I do this….for you to see that you aren’t the only ones out there.  We are on this journey together.  

    I feel like I have been rambling for a few paragraphs, but these are the things that have been bouncing around in my head.  I hope that this makes sense and encourages you to find that accountability you need.  If you have a friend with the same struggles, that is even better!!  Hold each other to that higher standard!!!  

 

I love the F-word way too much!!!

I do….I admit it.  I use the F-word all the time.  It is a nasty habit that I need to break.  It seems as if the F-word has control over my life and wont let go.  It seems all-consuming!!  What is this F-word that I am such a slave to?   Food, the almighty destroyer of waistlines everywhere!!!  That evil maker of big butts and huge guts!!! Maker of man boobs and cankles!!!  It likes to comfort you and hurt you all at the same time!!!  So mean and treacherous!!!

Ok, let’s be real….Food itself isn’t horrible.  The amount and type we put in our bodies is the real problem.  This is just the addict in me talking.  Ya know, trying to make food the problem, and not the amount of said food I take in.  It has been a few weeks since I have posted anything.  Reason?  Well, one week I went to a conference, then after that week of self-indulgence, I fell off the workout/diet wagon.  😦  Yeah, it sucked!  Got lazy and depressed….but I am now over it!  Back in the gym and hitting the diet harder than before.

While I was at this conference, I lived on a constant diet of fast food.  Super high in sodium.  I can’t lie….the food was SO GOOD!!!  (I am a sucker for Jack in the Box.)  One of the many downsides of eating like this was revealed that Wednesday night.  We had a worship concert every evening, so I was standing for a while and having a great time.  I went to move my left food and my ankle felt like it was wrapped in a super tight ACE bandage.  Odd!!  Looked down and low and behold……I HAD THE FEET OF A 9 MONTH PREGNANT WOMAN!!!!!  Holy crow!! I have never seen my feet so swollen!!!  I literally had to go to CVS and buy some water pills.   It was not cool…..yup, another wake up call for Matthew!!  Luckily everything is back to normal.

I decided that I needed to see my doctor.  My blood sugar has been avg. about 300.  Yeah…..way too high.  I was prescribed an injection that I take every day.  Not insulin, but a med to help keep my BS lower. (and by BS, I mean blood sugar)  Since I have been on it and taking all of my meds on the regular, I am happy to report that it is starting to normalize.  I am feeling better than I have in ages.  Funny how that works huh?  Now that I am back in the gym, I am feeling even better.  Things are looking up.  I will try to weigh in next week and see what improvements there are on that front.  woohoo!!!

Now, back to the F-word.  Why is food addiction so hard to overcome?  That is easy…..you have to eat to live.  You can’t just put the fork down and never eat again.  Now, I’m not saying that every other addiction is easy to overcome…..that would just be stupid!!  What I am saying is that with food, you can never quit.  So, it boils down to how much and what you are going to put in your body.  Do I go easy and unhealthy, or cook healthy meals and not eat out all the time?  Do I go to a buffet or sit my butt at home and eat a salad with a sliced grilled chicken breast over it?  I know this sounds like a no-brainer….and yes, it is a no-brainer, but how many times do I(we) choose the less healthy of the two?  Way more than we should.  Why?  Cause it’s easier.  Plain and simple!  We are busy and don’t want to take the time to cook.  I am having to re-evaluate my relationship with food.  Why am I eating?  Am I bored or am I actually hungry?  Am I depressed or am I actually hungry?  Do I really need three helpings of mac and cheese?  Two heaping platefuls of spaghetti?  I think I have said this before.  It is like I am breaking up with my girlfriend.  Seriously, it feels exactly like that.  Despair over not having that crutch of food.  Distraught because you aren’t ordering 3 sandwiches at McDonald’s.  Yup……it’s that sad.

Up until about 2 weeks ago, my typical food intake was as such:  Breakfast: Some ginormous breakfast meal, or a breakfast buffet.  If it were a buffet, I would eat about 3 platefuls.  Lunch: Chinese, Mexican, or some other buffet.  again, 2-3 platefuls.  Supper: Same as lunch, or maybe an all you can eat wing joint or catfish type place.

Now, that is just the three main meals…..what about in between?  Stop at sonic/McDonald’s/Taco Bell/etc and grab a value meal.  Yeah, I said a meal.  If it were McD’s for example:  A double cheeseburger meal, large-sized and add an extra dbl cheez and a McChicken.  Oh yeah, don’t forget the diet Coke. (diet cause I don’t want my bs to go up)  REALLY!!! NOT GO UP?!?!?!?!  You are consuming 3 whole buns and a large fry.  ALL CARBOHYDRATES!!!  What do you think that is going to do to your bs?  But alas…..this was my thought process.  Now, imagine all the calories, salt, sugar, cholesterol I am ingesting in one day?  I would say I was avg at least 10,000 cal a day.  No lie….but hey, at least I am happy right?  The almighty F-word is keeping me in my happy place right?  You are absolutely correct.  It was….food was satisfying that emotional need I had.  That is a bad combo!!

So, what am I doing now?  I’m hitting the gym and either running laps in the pool, hitting some form of cardio equipment, or banging weights.  That is my emotional release now.  Screw the double cheese burgers!!!  (yeah, I still want one…even now as I type )  It is just a mindset that I have to place myself in, exercise and health over gorging on massive amounts of food!!!

So, that is pretty much what has been on my mind for the past few days.

I am a slave to the F-word…..TIME TO BUST OUTTA THEM CHAINS!!!!!

Now, I know I said that I was going to post some pics.  I have honestly meant to, but I never think of having anyone take my pic when we are around a camera.  I don’t want to take my photo in the bathroom mirror….not a fan of those.  I am going to have a few taken, a couple with me clothed normally, and a couple with no shirt on.  Like I said at the beginning…..gonna have to just put it out there.  I promise not to take any with me wearing my Speedo.  LOL!!!  J/K, I don’t own a Speedo…..or do I?  🙂  Now…I gotta figure out how to post pics on this dang thing!!

There you go world…..it is not pretty, but it is a work in progress!!

I have a dream…..to be skinny!!!

Yes, you heard me right…..I have a dream.  A dream that one day, I will be skinny.  Ok, maybe skinny is the wrong word…..healthy.  Trim and fit!!!  Not obese….not chunky.  Healthy dang it!!!!  I have many dreams of things I want to do once I’m healthy.  I will talk about those in a few.  Right now I want to give you a glimpse into the day of the life of a morbidly obese (I freaking despise that term!!!) man.  It might be sad, it could be scary.  Heck! You might pee your pants a little!!! (ok, not really…..at least I hope not.)  Join me on this journey!

First things first….waking up.  Now, this might seem like an easy thing to do.  Ok…it really isn’t that hard.  Getting up and out of the bed is a different story.  I’m not saying that it takes me 35 min to get out of bed.  It doesn’t take more than a few secs like anyone else, but what sucks is how all my joints kill me the first few steps.  Living with all this weight for so long has really affected my body.  Don’t get me wrong, for someone who is 450lbs, I am pretty mobile.  That doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt though.  Along with the normal morning routine, I have to take medicine so I won’t die.  Yeah, I just said that….die.  Sad fact, but true.

So what do I think of as soon as I get up?  Food…ok, normally I’m thinking about what I am going to eat the night before as I’m trying to fall asleep.  Seriously?  Who does that?  “I can’t wait to wake up so I can eat!!!”.  So I normally will eat.  Then, depending on the day I will either go up to the church and get some work done, or I will sit on my butt all day.  Well, not all day…..I have to get up and eat right?

So, yeah…..I normally get up, eat, sit around all day, eat some more.  I might go out with some friends and….you guessed it.  EAT!! I’ll come home and chill in front of the tv and try not to think about eating.  Exciting right?  What a day!!!  Oh yeah, I will generally sit in front of the computer for a while.  Take my nightly meds, and then go back to bed dreaming of what I’m going to eat the next morning.

This really makes me sick!!  No lie, literally makes me sick to my stomach when I really think about it.  This is why I have started the life change.  Hitting the gym on the regular and (trying) to get my diet straight.  The diet is the hardest part of course, I’m in love with food. I feel like we are about to break up…..I wonder if we can we still be friends?

There are some things that I want you to see through the eyes of someone who is fat.  (I will use this term regularly, I just hate the word obese!  Plus, fat is shorter. 🙂 )  Most of my dreams go hand in hand with this.

I want to buy clothes at Wal-Mart.  No, I’m serious!!  Funny as it sounds, this is a true dream of mine.  Do you know how many stores there are for me to buy clothes?  1….1 dang store!!!  The store is 30 miles from here, and when I go it, is a crap shoot as to if they will have anything that I will like.  Don’t forget the price of the clothes!!  I want to be able to walk into any dept store and buy clothes.

I want to be able to eat at any establishment and not worry if they will either have more than just booths or have chairs that will support me.  I’m sorry, but these dang new hipster type joints with the plastic chairs piss me off.  I literally cannot go because I will destroy their furniture.  Booths are kryptonite for us fat folk!!  It will be nice to go hang out with my friends and not have to worry about this type of bull crap.

I want to be able to drive any car without having to worry about fitting behind the steering wheel.  I want to drive a Ferrari…..yeah, a Ferrari.  Right now…..LOL!!!!  That is funny.  In the future….you dang right!!

I want to skydive…you heard me correctly, I want to jump out of a perfectly good airplane.  The thoughts of zooming through the air at a zillion miles an hour is exciting!!!  Am I an adrenaline junkie?  Maybe….I guess we will find out.

I want to complete an Ironman Tri.  Yes, I want to swim 2.4 miles, bike 112 miles, and run 26.2 miles.  It might take me 32 hours, but I want to do this.  This will be a test of my health and fitness level!!  Mind you, this is a long-term goal….but a goal nonetheless.

This is a partial list of things that I want to do when I am healthy.  So many things to look forward to.  So many goals to hit, and I am excited to hit them all!!

I kinda feel like I have rambled a bit, but my main goal is to help others.  There are so many people out there with weight issues.  When I go out to eat,  I will take a look at the crowd and see how many overweight people there are out there.  It is mind-blowing!!!   For instance, I was in St. Louis visiting my buddy Chris and we decided to go eat at Red Robin (YUM!!).  I went to the restroom to wash my hands, and when I walked out I looked at the crowd sitting in front of me.  I would guess there were about 12-15 tables occupied.  At all but one of the tables, there was someone who was severely overweight.  ALL BUT ONE!!!!  Most of tables had at least two people who were a solid 100-150lbs overweight.  That hit me like a truck!!  That is a snapshot of our society!!  Most of these people had kids with them….yep, the kids were also overweight!  It was at this point that I knew I needed to do something.  Not only for me but for my community!  So, onto my other main goal.  Helping people manage and lose weight.  I want to start a support system for people.  I want it to be a place where they feel no shame.  Just somewhere they can come for help to get their life back.  I would love to become a personal trainer so I can help people.  My main focus would be on getting folks to put the forks down and pick the weights up!!  I just see pain in these people’s eyes.  The pain of not feeling worth anything.  The pain of feeling like they are completely abhorrent.  The pain of being chained to food!!  I know this pain, I have lived it most of my life.  Guess what people, if God believes I have worth, then I have worth dangit!!  I want to convey this to these people!!!  I want to travel around the country speaking and getting this started.  Yes…this is a huge goal, but guess what?  It is totally doable!!!!  Look out Fat America, Newman is coming for you!!!  We are gonna get this done!!!

So, maybe I rambled a bit, but like I said before…..I just want to be transparent and share what is on my heart.  This is a burden of mine, and I hope that you will pray with me that not only will I get my health in check, but that by doing this I can help many, many others.

Love you all!!  Now, lets get out there and DO WORK!!!!

PS….I promise, there are gonna be some pics coming soon.  I gotta get my before shots up here before I get too skinny!!